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so i'll waste my time and i'll burn my mind

oh hi there

my favorite month went by without a peep on here, sorry about that. birthday was good, halloween was good. the walking dead happened and there was much rejoicing. i'm getting paid but i still got no one to spend my money on but me.

so when i haven't been working my buns off processing annuity contracts and making rich people richer and getting yelled at by nitpicky quality control people, i've been watching lots and lots of tv. not necessarily on tv, of course, i've become less and less tolerant of commercials. i bought the first three season of criminal minds and i'm three discs from finishing. shit's crazy additive, especially for a show that's as hit and miss as it is. its not nearly as in depth or character rich as the inside was, and has a serious problem with the way it characterizes women, but....well, i could make some stuff up about attachment to the characters and stories. but the truth is when a character leaves, i barely notice. and a lot of times the bad guy isn't terribly interesting. the truth is that i love every thing about matthew gray gubler. you don't get a better woobie than that. i love his strung out goth/nerd-boy persona, the ginormous eyes, the purple fucking scarves. and his hands. it is not right that a man should have such beautiful hands, wth seriously. but joe mantegna is pretty awesome too, and whenever thomas gibson gets all super assertive boss man i get kind of tingly. but as i said before, the females aside from garcia are negligible. that's why i'm almost glad their dumping the two of them this season. i'm hoping maybe they can start fresh with some more dynamic ladies, ones with actual personalities rather than cut-out career women with moments of sarcasm. its also pretty experimental visually, and i'm not talking about the green screen. granted, its not always executed terribly well, it usually induces a little "oh that's interesting" rather than an "omg yes" which i have actually gotten from watching tv a few times (namely, journeyman and a couple times in house). still its something.

but yeah that's pretty much why i haven't been updating. or doing much of anything really. spencer reid has kind of been owning my soul. so i write a little bit here and there, but nothing too productive. but i did get a new phone finally. samsung captivate, makes my old iphone look like a chump. next on the list of materials items are a lap top and a car. mom got a new one, so now my brain is cued to models that i like. and that are affordable, of course.

been working out a lot, not more in terms of quantity but in frequency. every other day rather than monday wednesday and friday. its made a massive difference. not in terms of size really, i'm not really different in any measurable form. and i'm actually weighing more. but i feel much more solid, my legs feel thick in a good way, i think my ass is an inch or two higher and my stomach feels flatter. and my learning curve is getting so steep i can barely keep up with it. i adjust to a new intensity level within a few days. i added thirty crunches to my regimen barely a week ago, and i think within two trips to the gym the stinging was already fading. and yet i still cannot do a pull up. oh well.

i think the reason why i finally decided to update in here is because i was feeling strangely useless this weekend. despite being very productive. i don't understand it. one second i'm flying high and then all of sudden i want to bury myself. my relevance to the world is fading, or something in my head or my hormones think it is. there isn't really a quick fix for that. i'll probably just listen to the pretty restless for a little bit and getting some writing down tomorrow.


things are moving so fast these days its making me dizzy. quite literally. i am currently employed, a temporary assignment yes but a long term one with prudential. nice big name to put on my resume. i just completed my second week of training in annuity processing and data entry. it kind of stinks i'm not gonna lie. it is my best paying job so far though. but i'm still hunting. there's a possibility of working at the milford town hall, mom was informed about an entry level job that was formerly occupied by a lackluster psych grad. my resume is forwarded. we'll see how it goes.

vidal also got a new job, actually its an expanded version of an older job he had. pays better even though the commission isn't as good. dad's getting his first social security check next week. and we finally got a driveway! its like were moving into modern suburbia one little step at a time.

its weird, i feel like i got a little psychologically frayed from this short-term supposedly casual relationship i had. i am feeling very unsure of myself socially, or rather i'm thinking so much about all the things i'm not doing. this guy would go on and on about what a bad thing my introversion was. literally, go on and on, i feel like i could've bludgeoned him over the head (it almost happened, trust me) and he would've kept going. so i don't know if when i sit outside for lunch by myself and everyone else is in groups or in pairs and i feel freaking radioactive for it is because all the things he kept saying are dug into my head or if its just because i haven't been around this many young people in a while and i'm just out of place. and its kind of funny in how it sort of feels like high school when i sit off to the side and write in my old old notebook, and then i remember that its not goth poetry i'm writing, but a story that i hope to publish and use to build a career. so sorry if i'm not into socializing, but i have plans to get underway.

writing has been going surprisingly well though. i haven't written this much i suppose since school ended. i chalk it up to all the new interactions i have engaged in, because i while i am not that good in charming my prudential classmates, i have had quite a few encounters in the past couple of months. most of them good in fact, though no fireworks by any means. for a while i was thinking that i wanted to get serious about being serious. that was for like a week and i quickly realized that i would drive myself nuts that way. so while i want to be the aggressor and take the world by the balls, that may be advisable for my writing, but not with dating. there is a level of assertion that's important of course, but ultimately if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. all i can do is ask the universe to grant my wishes.
maybe listening to metric makes me slightly sentimental. they have that quality. maybe its just the air.

i took these pictures on the beach at the cape during one of hour first hours of sun after several days of rain and wind. it only lasted for about twenty minutes before this fog rolled in off the ocean. the transition period was pretty awesome looking though.

that was when i had walked into the thick of it. i'm rather proud of this picture, especially since i managed it with just my iphone. rather spooky.

i think this may be the first time i've been satisfied with a season in a while. i've gotten my fill of summer, we got plenty of heat and sun and even though it rained on over half of our cape cod vacation (of course, the only fucking week of the summer where it was rainy, cloudy and cold for several days straight), i'm ready for september. its not really in my nature these days to celebrate the passage of time, but i've done good things for myself this summer. it wasn't perfect, i haven't played any tennis and my tan is meager at best (i still have plenty of time to remedy those things though). but target already feels eons away, and i've even been doing a little bit of writing. now its time for the next stage.

so on the job front, i worked for the week and a half before cape cod at a demolition office answering phones and organizing paperwork. the place wasn't really my cup of tea, couldn't really put my finger on why, maybe it was just the uncomfortable chair. this week i'll be dressing st joe's students again in their senior drapes and whatnot, but that's only wednesday through friday. honestly, i don't mind this. i certainly prefer it to target. its not perfect but its not flipping burgers either, so i consider myself lucky.

on an intellectual front, i've been reading some damn good books. i read 2001: a space odyssey which really makes me want to watch the movie again. i sated myself by reading over my old papers on it. i think i'll get my hands on its sequels soon as well as other arthur c. clarke stuff. after that i read fathom by cherie priest. i loved it, i enjoyed it more than boneshaker which is actually up for the hugo award this year. priest writes such great female characters, and the relationship dynamics she creates are so original. not to mention she's a pretty world builder too. i want to be her. i think i'll start reading her livejournal. next up on the list is another ian macdonald book, brasyl. i kind of went overboard the last time i went to the library :) which considering the rain, came in handy.

my personal life is feeling a little tattered. making friends and keeping in touch with the old ones is so much damn work, nevermind trying to figure out who's a viable candidate as a romantic partner. i've been thinking of going shopping, and then i thought maybe i should try to invite someone to go with me, instead of going alone like i always do. but i don't know who i'd invite. would that improve the experience or detract from it? would i even get any shopping done? all that thinking though is so unnecessary. it kills the moment. and that i think is what's wrong the world these days, not enough of people are in the moment at the right times.

queen b take it

i've had a really bizarre weekend. quite literally an emotional roller coaster. unfortunately, i can't be totally candid about it, which i think is why i was having such a hard time dealing with it all. i really just wanted someone to talk to, and there wasn't anyone available that didn't have a stake in things. i found myself wandering okcupid seeing if i could just find someone to chat with and dump all my issues on. but that just seemed mean. but i'm out of the woods now. sort of.

let's start with the bad stuff. actually, i'll probably have to do this in chronological order but whatever. i've spent two weeks with aliquant and each day there was less and less to do, to the point where friday was painfully boring. i never thought i would run out of ways to get the internet to entertain me, but there was only so many overthinkingit articles i could read before my eyes started to fall out of my head. so about forty minutes after i got out of work friday i get a call - which i missed - from office team. the voice mail sounded bad but i wasn't able to get back to them before they left for the week. so i spent the weekend wondering if i would have a job on monday. i don't. *sigh* but that's alright. if i got one long term position, i can get another, and at least it gave me a good excuse to leave target and not look back because i had every intention of leaving anyway. besides, technically the position is on "hold" so when things pick up again for them, and hopefully they will, i can get it back.

on the up sides of said roller coaster, my cousin uli got married to his long time partner bill. and i can effectively call them my gay uncles now (uli's my second cousin - i think, what's it called when their actually your parent's cousin? - but i like saying uncle). i couldn't help but smile stupidly during the ceremony, it was all so sweet. but with all the stress and crazy thoughts that were going through my head i made for a very down party-goer. but at least i got to dance to "alejandro."

sunday i was starting to feel a lot better, my hormonal bubble popped finally and even though i was still dealing with cramps i was mentally in a better space. it also helped that i got to tour new haven with a cool guy. once we exhausted the street sights we went to see salt, which was surprisingly good. it was a bit like spy porn, i wasn't paying attention to all the ridiculous physical feats, but the more espionage type stuff i enjoyed. so it was a suprisingly weekend in many ways.

so office team says they're going to do their best to keep me busy, but even so i have nothing to do at the moment and that's kind of upsetting for me. i liked being an office, i liked working 8 to 5 even though it made me hate the computer by the end of day and drowsy during my free time. dad suggested i work on some personal projects, which is a good idea, i've been reading a lot so many i can muster up the motivation to finish one of my short stories. and apply to more jobs. since i updated my resume i've been getting a couple random calls from employers. nothing interesting, to be honest, i like to think of it that there is just as much opportunity in the world as there was two weeks ago. i can't give up now.


let's go dancing

alexa, meet the real world. well sort of. i suppose its still childish of me to think there is a difference in the "real world" and the life i'm living now. but i suppose i will always feel childish so i will always live in an imaginary world.

what i mean by all this is that i got a job. a real job. one that doesn't involve a uniform, that has hours 8 to 5, from monday to friday. it involves things like organizing papers and whatnot. honestly, in essence its probably not too different from target, except it won't be so brutal on my feet and i'll be getting paid over a dollar more an hour. for now. and here's the tricky part, its a temp-to-hire job. i have confidence in my self that i can snag the permanent position (i didn't have to do much to get it as a temp), but its still a risk. but i'm up for taking risks right now. i've never gotten anything out of playing it safe.

the past two days have been exciting. the interview was wednesday morning and i was informed that i got it in the next morning. i was such a combination of excited, anxious and giddy that i had to go to the gym and purposely burn myself out in order to calm down. calling target and letting them know was incredibly scary. i'll be working there for another week, since the two weeks out hadn't gone up yet and the new job (aliquant is what they're called) wants me to start as soon as possible, so a week sounds like a good compromise. i don't know what's going to happen to my cape cod vacation. wednesday night i was thinking maybe i should've gotten a new bathing suit since i got the chance to swim around in a boy's pool. by without going to the cape i guess i'm good with what i've got.

so thanks to said boy, i got to see two movies this week that were supposed to scary but weren't really. first was predators, which wasn't as exciting as i was hoping it would be, but was still a good movie. it had an interesting concept and characters and great actors, but really it was a b-movie disguised as major release. the other movie was the crazies, which wasn't much good at all. granted, i didn't really get to see the end of it :D

so isn't this a nice change? you get to see a journal post where i'm not angsting about the stagnancy in my life. things just took a sudden lurch forward. that's how the universe seems to always work, or maybe its just how i work. i need to email someone, and take a shower because i stink. i have to go into target today, as i do for the next six days, in a row. first time they ever did that to me outside of the holidays. guess it'll be the last.


i live where the sky ends

the subject line btw is from a rihanna song, and of that lyric one of my coworkers kept asking "what does that even mean?" this is what i'm around 30 hours a week

things have this way of working with me, that they'll seem peachy for a time and then things will normalize and start to suck again. we've had this problem with the computer where the internet dies any time we use an excess of virtual memory, so i switched to google chrome to see if it would help. it did, for a little while, then it went back to dying whenever i watched more than one youtube video within ten minutes. if you're not going to work, you stupid thing, why don't you just say so from the beginning, instead of stringing me along?

i'm kind of in a bad way at the moment. i was hoping to post again when i was in better spirits, but i've got an hour before work with not a lot to do and that pinch in between my eyebrows keeps mounting. i'm in that way of i hate everything and everything hates me, and its times like these that i need to rely on the little things, but those are just making it worse. i downloaded last night's episode of true blood, was going to sit down and watch it while i ate lunch, only to find it wasn't working because of the stupid site i got it from. i could list more but they get more and more silly as it goes, and the smaller the things are the more i want to punch a wall. i yelled at a shopping cart today that was in a parking spot i wanted. at least i managed to find myself a nice $8 belt at walmart. and the weather's nice. except i'll be inside. working.

alright, alright, little things. my cousin sarah's wedding is this friday, which is actually not a little thing, but its not my party so i have less to be psyched about. but i get to get dressed up. i'm also getting my hair formally cut and possibly highlighted on wednesday. that's a nice little thing, a nice change. assuming it doesn't suck. and blade runner was on last night, that was pretty awesome.

i just need to get out, get away. i want the good-looking dude with the tattoos who works at planet fitness to ask me out, or someone like him. i want to see predators so damn badly. i want a good reason to buy that gold bikini we have at target, because it looks awesome on me but the only place i expect to be able to show it off is cape cod in august, which i'll be around little kids and old people. and i want a job interview by this time next month. or two. and a real job by the end of the summer. a car too, a good car that has air conditioning and doesn't make weird noises.

i need a book to read. i think being american is what's killing me. i'm going to watch the new t.o.p. video again.


sorry livejournal, you've been neglected. but you've been in my thoughts. i wonder if its even justified for me to have a paid account anymore. but i've heard lj is covered with ads now now, so maybe i'll just keep it to avoid that. oh and sorry, you're in for a ton of angst that's built up over the month of may.

last night as i was trying to get myself to sleep i was also trying to not stir myself into a panic. much like after the year i spent unemployed, now that i'm coming to a year at target i'm getting itchy feet again. i need to do something. i know i'm not the best job hunter, i'm not really very aggressive or creative in that sense. but i do my damnedest. hr shaun chatted with my a bit yesterday about my job prospects, and i breezed over some of the ideas i've been mulling over, mostly involving more school and he said that i shouldn't need it, i already have a degree. he said his degree was in sports entertainment and event planning, and now he's in hr. i don't really know what he meant by that, because i don't want to just do anything. it seems almost obscene when i was so focused on being a writer all my life to just use my degree as a slide into some ineffectual office career. not that that would happen anyway in this world. its been two years and it hasn't happened. my mom's coworkers ask about me, "what does she really want to do?" what the hell does that even mean? i want to be rich and famous and save the world, what do you really want to do? you do know that this was not part of the plan? the plan was to graduate and get a small job at a cool place where i would be happy to work my way up through - a publishing or film company. but now things are shit and no one wants me except for target.

so here's what i've been thinking about. there was the first plan of continuing studies - get a phd in cinema studies and become a film scholar and professor. massively cool, least productive. second - get a degree in a occupation or physical therapy. i don't know why this field attracted my attention but it kind of makes sense to me, and occupational therapists are needed and well paid right now. its still school though, which means it still costs money. there have been talk of grants for connecticut students going for medical degrees but i don't think its set in stone yet. then there's the last one which i've just started to entertain - law school. loads and loads of money, but it would probably have the biggest payout, especially if i got into a field that i gave a shit about. maybe i actually could save the world.

or i could just keep chugging along. work my ass off at target while applying for jobs that i seem both over and under qualified for, and maybe snag one of them. try to write more, start submitting them for publication. try to just be what i want to be rather than paying other people to make me into it. and that's where the panic sets in. what if in another year i'm still doing this? i'm going to be 24 this year. what if i end up pissing away half of my twenties on minimum wage? because its not just about the jobs really. its about my life. i am incredibly pathetic human being. i'm the nerdy kid of lore, except i come in a prettier package. i'm overeducated, live at home, work at a dissatisfying job, have no social life, no love life. i'm not built for this, i hate stagnancy. and yet somehow i manage contentment.

or maybe i should just move. i think i've got about ten to fifteen thousand dollars to my name, that's enough to just pick myself and move to new york or la. maybe transfer to a target out there until i find something better. but knowing me, a change of scenery no matter how glamorous, won't mean shit. i'll still be doing the same thing. i'll spend my friday nights watching youtube videos and dancing around with my headphones in. i really should've surrounded myself with more ambitious people growing up. i'm trying to do that now, but they don't seem that interested me. and the starving artists don't like me either because i'm too materialistic. i guess my only choice is to try build my own little space. which i guess is what i've been doing all along.


carry my weight

man, i haven't posted in so long i almost forgot how.

april's almost gone. i'm going to miss it. in particular, i'm going to miss miss april, she's been a big inspiration. but oh well, another month, another hot samarai lady to adorn my wall.

a lot's been going on lately. been working a lot, but things look like they'll be slowing down in the next couple of weeks, i guess they've finally gotten around to hiring more people. which means more time for me to job hunt, do temp work, write, or you know bum around like usual. i had my first gynecological exam, not from a gyno though, from a midwife. she's very sweet and likable and generally did a stand up job, but i nonetheless felt kind of traumatized for almost two days afterward. took me a while to figure out why exactly, i approached it like a doctor's visit and its not like i'm that sheepish about strangers being up in my privates (imeanwhut). plus, like i said, she was great. eventually it occurred to me that it was probably because while i was approaching things in a civilized manner, my body was not. my body is not used to that kind of attention purely for medical purposes, and was totally prepped for a good times ahead and got let down hard. the sex beast in me felt violated. poor thing. but once i figured that out, i felt better. unfortunately, it seems i have a slightly problematic uterus. its tipped (woot), and after an ultrasound last week we know that i have a cyst on my left ovary (double woot), which would explain the weird cramping i get. i'll go in for another ultrasound in a month or two to see if its still there. i hope everything's fixable. i know these are minor, fairly common problems, but i'm getting the feeling that having a tipped uterus is going to be extremely, um, limiting. and i also think its the reason behind my acid reflux, since its kind of leaning on my rectum. go figure.

so when i haven't been working or getting my nethers probed, i have been watching lots and lot of avatar. its extremely addictive, and better for the most part than everything else i'm watching, including so you think you can dance australia and battlestar galactica. aside from doctor who, which just started up again, that's still awesome. though part of the reason why i started watching this show was to get myself amped for the last airbender movie, and its actually kind of doing the opposite. but i only vaguely care about the racial miscasting, the name changes, the storyline and character butchering that is clearly happening. all i really care about is the fight scenes. seriously, if the fight choreography is not as good as the show's (and we're talking about a nickelodeon animated show here people) than no amount of special effects will make me enjoy this movie. and sadly, based on the trailers, most of the martial arts looks like a lot of flailing, probably partly due to the use of slow mode, but still. there isn't going to be any cars or helicopters blowing up here, so there better be some good fights at least.

so may. may means vidal finishes his student teaching and graduates (and we get to go out to dinner to celebrate, squee). may marks two years since i graduated, which is kinda depressing. ah well. chin up. eyes on the prize. all that jazz.


this used to be a fun house

the change in the weather makes me aware of the things i want. new clothes, a reason to go outside. a new car because when i roll the windows down i can smell gasoline and hear all the awful noises the little runt makes. a new comforter because the one i have now (which i bought only a few months ago) is too warm and already getting torn up. there's one at target, lime green with white polka dots that i think will look nice in my room, especially since its only $30. and its not purple, which most of my room is. i'm decking my shit out with as much green as possible these days.

i finished children of the mind and have moved on to ian mcdonald's river of gods. both sci-fi, but it is a welcome change of pace. children of the mind was just way too shiny. there was so much spiritual/metaphysical orgasming everywhere and then the two main couples trot off into the sunset, having gotten married without even sharing more than a kiss respectively. in the first couple of chapters of river of gods, you meet a gangster whose first act to endear you to him is to cut a woman down the middle and dump her in the river, a journalist who gets her rocks off watching a cage fight between two genetically engineered sabretooths, and a muslim politician who falls madly in love at first sight with a russian transsexual supermodel. sorry orson, but this is more of my bag. because really, even avatar has more grit than you do. and by avatar i mean the nickelodeon show, the last airbender, which i've just started the second season of. its makes me happy. that's really the only way i can describe it, when it started out it was very much a kid's show and obviously not very complex, but its expanded since then and nothing about it is disappointing. and then there's battlestar galactica, which is similarly addictive but probably more from the nervous tension and adrenaline it produces.

i had a stupid encounter the week before with a stupid man. he keeps texting me. i've already told him he's not going to get another shot for a while. he thinks he knows everything. the whole thing makes me wish i was born a man-hating lesbian. sometimes i think i am. if so, i'm awfully nice about it. when he asked me if i had done any writing recently (he made a guess that i was a "writer," when i asked how he just said "i can just tell," a phrase he uses a lot, though most of the time he can't) i said i did, but only that it was just nonsense, rather than about a previous encounter remarkably similar to ours. the part that's interesting to me is that he seems to get so much out of it, he says we had "powerful chemistry," a feeling that is not at all mutual. it makes me curious about what other things i can make men feel about me without it being requited.

easter was nice, lots of a food, grandma brought over a box of russel stover chocolates. i was never really aware of what a big deal easter is for most people until this year. there's so much candy and toys stocked in the seasonal section at target. for me it was the one day off i get in the middle of eight days of work. i'm so bored of my job. my emotions about target fluctuate, sometimes its anger, somtimes its complacency. right now its severe boredom, to the point where my subconscious is starting to rebel, calling out "this is lame, let's do something else" loudly enough that it does manage to slow me down sometimes. i want badly to do something else. i want to change with the weather. i may have to settle for just changing my hair.
i had an interesting dream last night. at the beginning it featured the running that i've always experienced in my dreams, the constant weaving in and out of turns, trying to find an escape, but every time i think i've come up with a way out, or at least a way to hide, my enemy suddenly becomes faster, stronger, omniscient. the bad guy started out i think the alien from the movies, and then it became a t-rex that shouted "hungry!" ya rly. but unlike all my other running dreams, this time i got out, or the person character that i was playing got out. the t-rex was still inside some building chasing people around, and somehow i had escaped, and now i was trying to convince people on the street that there was t-rex in that building over there trying to eat people, but everyone was so preoccupied with their own missions, that no one paid any attention.

i finally watched solaris friday night. the near 3-hour 1972 version, not the more recent and much shorter george clooney one (though that is on my netflix queue now). i wanted to watch it because the creators of sunshine cited it along with alien, and 2001 as one of the seminal sci-fi classics. but i knew that solaris was not nearly as universally loved as the other two, and that it was long and kinda boring. so it sat in its envelope for five freaking months. i considered sending it back without actually watching it - i should've just burned it, but i already deleted the software to do it because it was taking up too much space on my comp. but i finally got around to it, and yes it was long, and yes it was fucking boring as hell sometimes. when it started i realized that it was in russian and wasn't sure if i had it set to english subtitles or english dubbing, so i waited for someone to speak so i could tell. and i waited. and i waited some more. at one point there were like five to ten minutes spent on just cars driving down the totally not futuristic highway. at least in 2001 there was pretty music or visuals to eat up the time without dialogue or plot, and at least those moments meant something. why do we have to stare at grass floating in a lake? why does it take him so damn long to make his way around this damn space station and stare at absolutely nothing?

but despite all that, i actually found it really interesting. the concept of a planet-sized organism that can go into the minds of its investigators and manifest the people that bring them their greatest guilt was actually kind of on the back burner to the fact there were these people that were real, real as in flesh and blood and thinking and feeling, but weren't actually the people they thought they were, and most likely not even human, and were constructed purely to mess with the heads of these poor scientists. that's some mindfuckery right there. i think i'm going to read the book after i finish with xenocide and children of the mind, especially since the latter of those kind of has the same concept, even though i don't know how much because obviously i haven't read it yet. i just know that in it ender somehow brings to life regenerations of his siblings, which is essentially the same concept.

speaking of which, xenocide is pretty awesome. very talky, even moreso than speaker for the dead. but when the important stuff hits it hits like an emotional sledge hammer, and its particularly heavy because you're completely unaware of how emotionally invested you are until that happens.

and i'm talking to christina about battlestar galactica and blade runner right now via text. and i've been watching darker than black and ergo proxy. i'm in an all out sci-fi mode right now. except for the fact that if avatar wins best picture tonight i'm gonna probably kick something.