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you can suck my diznik

well, it took 8 months but i finally cried at work. when i started working, back when i was what, 19? that was kind of a thing. first couple weeks or so i would have a little meltdown and cry in the bathroom. new jobs were often overwhelming. that stopped after a while. i guess it was the temping, its hard to feel overwhelmed when you were at a new job every couple of weeks. though the fact that the jobs were getting better probably had a little bit to do with it too.

today didn't really have anything to do with being overwhelmed. it was just hormones and hunger. and anger. just punch-the-fucking-wall anger. i'm so frustrated. i never really thought of myself as some hippie, anti-establishment person, by mainstream standards i probably am, but i always figured i was perfectly capable of having an office job and indulging in my creative side during my free time. maybe i am, and its just this specific job, this company. all i know is this is not working. all i know is that this job makes me want to shave my head, sell my car and hang out with communists.

i would rather be getting yelled at by FPs at prudential than this, helping them sell invisible products to people with too much money. it'd be better than handling invisible "tasks" and mapping meaningless "processes," its these people can't do anything without making a detailed outline, i bet they could come up with an official sounding acronym for wiping your ass. i'm fucking sick of it.

i listened to metal on my drive home and thought about my escape routes. i always say that i have no friends, no connections, but that's not true. i've got a family friend who has a big ass job in california. i know someone in film. it's not a total loss. but what i know i have to do is build connections in the publishing world, or else there's no chance i'm going to get where i want to go. unless of course after i'm fired i spend everyday writing until my hands fall off and get my first novel published to glowing fanfare and money-making controversy. who knows, it could happen. and july seems to be my lucky month.

i'll be toughing it though. i've got a trip to florida coming up that i want my paid-time-off for, so if i can manage two and half months without getting fired or vomiting all over my desk, i'm ok. after that, who knows.