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my love has concrete feet


so i've been at the new job for a little over a month now. its pretty lame. i spend 12 hours out of the day getting ready, driving to and from, and being at work. i get home with the intention of getting things done and i never do. evening has never been my best time of the day. when i'm there i do almost nothing. barely know what i'm supposed to be doing. its weird. i don't know. i would like to be there for a while to at least be able to put it on my resume. but i don't want to be there for a while, i don't even want to be there for a year. hopefully, just having this job will make it easier to find another one.

i've been using the time i spend traveling to listen to the harry potter books. just finished book 3. i think that's part of the reason why i've been finding myself missing school a lot lately, due to the association of when i discovered harry potter, and of course the fact that the stores revolve around school. i even miss classes. most of the time when i fantasize about school its about the people and the environment, but now i'm thinking about my old professors and going to class and writing papers. i look at little kids passing and envy their simple days of books and number 2 pencils.

as a result i'm writing more and forcing myself to think about what i want to accomplish. i used to allow my creativity to wander a lot, let my writing go wherever my mind wanted to go, which always meant a lot of unfinished projects and a swarm of ideas with no ending. but its not so bad purposely focusing on one thing, and its not that hard either. the project i'm working on isn't the one i'm most invested in, but its the simplest, i suppose. in a way, because its so underdeveloped, i'm more comfortable writing it down. what i've always found with writing short stories is that i just keep writing piece after piece after piece, whether its out of order or even despite not having a conscious thread, and then all of a sudden i'll look back and its done. i feel like that's possible with this project. i think its doable, i hope its doable.

i've been spending a lot of time reading snarky reviews on goodreads. since twilight, apparently, there's been an influx of supernational young adult literature based around mary sue-types falling for brooding, abusive supernatural men. they all come as a series, they all follow a formula. i can't help thinking about it - it would be so easy. write a piece of crap, bullshit until you have at least three books, and voila, money! but i don't if i could live with feeding even more misogynistic bullshit to preteens. the story i'm working on has all the right elements though, but its a totally different kind of story. maybe it'll be enough to ride the band wagon, just enough to sneak into a few little girls bedrooms and scare the crap out of them. and their moms.