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i really just don't want to do deal with shit right now.

i got rear-ended last week. it was my day off, and i was going shopping when a dumb fucking suv hit me while i was stopped at a light. the car was totaled, and i'm kind of glad. i don't think i could handle looking at the caved in trunk, even for a little while. once things were sorted out, i went on shopping, with the bumper barely an inch from the ground. bought myself two new pairs of shoes, a pair of pants and a bunch of other stuff from target. i got the thing home, and it was gone by the time i got home from work the next day, never to be seen again.

so now there's calls from insurance agencies and lawyers. i don't want to think about it. getting some extra cash from the whole thing would be great. i already was set to get a car of my own, but now dad needs a car too, which we can't exactly afford. even so, we're better off than we would've been if the thing had just stopped running, or we hadn't decided to fix it last fall. the only thing i can't seem to get done is getting to the doctor. i don't have a primary, and i haven't had a physical in like six years, so its something that feels a lot more necessary than the rest.

so now i'm here at work, which is boring and there's nothing to do. i've started writing a new story, which i'm liking a lot. its about loneliness and little boys, two things i'm very timid about sharing my feelings on. when i opened the blank word document with a kind of vague idea, i had a severe feeling of panic. i had to scramble to remember the few scenes or phrases i had in mind and once i got the first few sentences down i felt better. i feel like a writer again. maybe if i pretend i'm in school i can learn to finish things more often.

i disabled my okcupid account. it was getting bad. it was constant inane messages from ugly people. though i'm thinking of reactivating my aff profile. i'm not really sure why i suddenly want to break my celibacy. i think i kept it up just because i was entertained by how easy it was. i could just simply say "its not going to happen for a while," and almost immediately my libido dropped. i didn't even notice at first. i'm still pretty ok with it, i'm pretty sure i could never have sex again and be ok with that. but the weather is getting better and i'm writing and finding all this great music. i cut off ten inches of my hair, i'm doing pilates, my arms look sexy. i don't know, it just seems like a good time.

i don't apply to jobs enough. i got the idea a little while ago to really try apply for blog writing positions. i didn't have the confidence to do that before, but i really am writing so much more than i was this time last year. i think its reasonable for someone to pay me to do this. but i haven't followed up on it yet, i spend most of my time off detoxing from the time wasted when i actually am getting paid. anyway, last summer was good to me. this one will be better.