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you can suck my diznik

well, it took 8 months but i finally cried at work. when i started working, back when i was what, 19? that was kind of a thing. first couple weeks or so i would have a little meltdown and cry in the bathroom. new jobs were often overwhelming. that stopped after a while. i guess it was the temping, its hard to feel overwhelmed when you were at a new job every couple of weeks. though the fact that the jobs were getting better probably had a little bit to do with it too.

today didn't really have anything to do with being overwhelmed. it was just hormones and hunger. and anger. just punch-the-fucking-wall anger. i'm so frustrated. i never really thought of myself as some hippie, anti-establishment person, by mainstream standards i probably am, but i always figured i was perfectly capable of having an office job and indulging in my creative side during my free time. maybe i am, and its just this specific job, this company. all i know is this is not working. all i know is that this job makes me want to shave my head, sell my car and hang out with communists.

i would rather be getting yelled at by FPs at prudential than this, helping them sell invisible products to people with too much money. it'd be better than handling invisible "tasks" and mapping meaningless "processes," its these people can't do anything without making a detailed outline, i bet they could come up with an official sounding acronym for wiping your ass. i'm fucking sick of it.

i listened to metal on my drive home and thought about my escape routes. i always say that i have no friends, no connections, but that's not true. i've got a family friend who has a big ass job in california. i know someone in film. it's not a total loss. but what i know i have to do is build connections in the publishing world, or else there's no chance i'm going to get where i want to go. unless of course after i'm fired i spend everyday writing until my hands fall off and get my first novel published to glowing fanfare and money-making controversy. who knows, it could happen. and july seems to be my lucky month.

i'll be toughing it though. i've got a trip to florida coming up that i want my paid-time-off for, so if i can manage two and half months without getting fired or vomiting all over my desk, i'm ok. after that, who knows.


my love has concrete feet


so i've been at the new job for a little over a month now. its pretty lame. i spend 12 hours out of the day getting ready, driving to and from, and being at work. i get home with the intention of getting things done and i never do. evening has never been my best time of the day. when i'm there i do almost nothing. barely know what i'm supposed to be doing. its weird. i don't know. i would like to be there for a while to at least be able to put it on my resume. but i don't want to be there for a while, i don't even want to be there for a year. hopefully, just having this job will make it easier to find another one.

i've been using the time i spend traveling to listen to the harry potter books. just finished book 3. i think that's part of the reason why i've been finding myself missing school a lot lately, due to the association of when i discovered harry potter, and of course the fact that the stores revolve around school. i even miss classes. most of the time when i fantasize about school its about the people and the environment, but now i'm thinking about my old professors and going to class and writing papers. i look at little kids passing and envy their simple days of books and number 2 pencils.

as a result i'm writing more and forcing myself to think about what i want to accomplish. i used to allow my creativity to wander a lot, let my writing go wherever my mind wanted to go, which always meant a lot of unfinished projects and a swarm of ideas with no ending. but its not so bad purposely focusing on one thing, and its not that hard either. the project i'm working on isn't the one i'm most invested in, but its the simplest, i suppose. in a way, because its so underdeveloped, i'm more comfortable writing it down. what i've always found with writing short stories is that i just keep writing piece after piece after piece, whether its out of order or even despite not having a conscious thread, and then all of a sudden i'll look back and its done. i feel like that's possible with this project. i think its doable, i hope its doable.

i've been spending a lot of time reading snarky reviews on goodreads. since twilight, apparently, there's been an influx of supernational young adult literature based around mary sue-types falling for brooding, abusive supernatural men. they all come as a series, they all follow a formula. i can't help thinking about it - it would be so easy. write a piece of crap, bullshit until you have at least three books, and voila, money! but i don't if i could live with feeding even more misogynistic bullshit to preteens. the story i'm working on has all the right elements though, but its a totally different kind of story. maybe it'll be enough to ride the band wagon, just enough to sneak into a few little girls bedrooms and scare the crap out of them. and their moms.


i'm only in this twilight

i come here when i have too many thoughts for a tumblr post. plus i don't really like doing personal stuff there

so big shit is happening. i think. hopefully. because i told office team that i won't be in to work on monday, so i better have somewhere else to be. i went for an interview maybe a month and a half ago for quest engineering. one of my relatives passes my resume around through the pratt & whitney channels, and it got to them. the job i actually interviewed for went away, but they emailed me last week saying that they wanted to offer me another position which is pretty much the same thing but for a different project. not interview for, or apply for, but offer. as in i have a job. a permanent job. that'll come with sick days and vacation days and health insurance. and its in east hartford. i'm kind of flipping out.

however, they want me to start monday, the 18th. i tried to get my acceptance letter and documentation to them as fast possible, though that was hard being that i had been working 9 to 5 at a place with no reception and no email access. background check took until friday, i got another email from them with my I9 forms and all that which i need to do before my first day so i'll do it sometime this weekend. and i kept emailing them and asking, "what are the hours? when do you want me in on monday?" and they never answered. so i could just sleep in on monday, and wait for them to call me, or plan to go there around 9:30 or something. i know from experience when on a new project, that getting there bright and early often means you're waiting around for an hour and half while someone tries to figure out what to do with you. sooo i don't know. but in any case, i'm not fretting too much about it. i've got the job, i sent them enough emails, its not my fault that wouldn't tell me when to come in.

meanwhile, another big event happened, and that is the last harry potter film. which i have not seen, and have no idea when i'm going to see it. i felt bad about not going to the midnight showing, however afterwards realized it would have been packed with sobbing harry potter fans, and i don't know if i would want to be around that. seeing it a couple weeks out might actually be a good idea. and i've been totally avoiding reviews (though i did just check rotten tomatoes for the rating, which is 97% holy damn, but that's it). so i don't know what i'm gonna do, and i don't know if i'm going to be a sentimental mess and it won't be a big deal at all.

and i feel really good these days. my weight's going down, even though my size doesn't seem to be. my midsection feels tighter though, like it stays in place regardless of what i eat or my bad posture, which is a good feeling. and my cellulite has been disappearing, i'm crediting pilates with that. i think i might try tai chi next. or ballroom dancing.

anyway, it seems like july is consistently a good month for me.

Jun. 5th, 2011

i have a job interview tomorrow. i'm not that excited about it. might be that the place is something like an hour away, and if it doesn't go well that's a whole afternoon wasted, and if it does then that straps me in for a whole bunch of changes. its not that I don't want to be off on my own, i'm just worried that nothing will really change even if i do. i'll still be a hermit, i'll still have no social life, and i still won't be getting anything done that i want to. the only thing that will change is that i won't have the family to come home to.

or maybe i'm just thinking that I'll get the job and it'll suck. and it'll just be another thing that I'll have to wriggle my way out of, but then i'll need it for health insurance and the rest of my bills.

i don't want to grow up. not in the "i don't want responsibilities" kind of way, but in the "i want to do want i want and get paid for it" kind of way. or is that the same thing? a girl can dream.

ah well, i've got some awesome cousins up in that direction anyway. i don't know why i'm overthinking things so much. i think my back just hurts so I'm grumpy. i've got an appointment with the chiropractor in the morning so hopefully that'll make me feel better. in the meantime, i need to find myself a tempurpedic mattress topper.
i really just don't want to do deal with shit right now.

i got rear-ended last week. it was my day off, and i was going shopping when a dumb fucking suv hit me while i was stopped at a light. the car was totaled, and i'm kind of glad. i don't think i could handle looking at the caved in trunk, even for a little while. once things were sorted out, i went on shopping, with the bumper barely an inch from the ground. bought myself two new pairs of shoes, a pair of pants and a bunch of other stuff from target. i got the thing home, and it was gone by the time i got home from work the next day, never to be seen again.

so now there's calls from insurance agencies and lawyers. i don't want to think about it. getting some extra cash from the whole thing would be great. i already was set to get a car of my own, but now dad needs a car too, which we can't exactly afford. even so, we're better off than we would've been if the thing had just stopped running, or we hadn't decided to fix it last fall. the only thing i can't seem to get done is getting to the doctor. i don't have a primary, and i haven't had a physical in like six years, so its something that feels a lot more necessary than the rest.

so now i'm here at work, which is boring and there's nothing to do. i've started writing a new story, which i'm liking a lot. its about loneliness and little boys, two things i'm very timid about sharing my feelings on. when i opened the blank word document with a kind of vague idea, i had a severe feeling of panic. i had to scramble to remember the few scenes or phrases i had in mind and once i got the first few sentences down i felt better. i feel like a writer again. maybe if i pretend i'm in school i can learn to finish things more often.

i disabled my okcupid account. it was getting bad. it was constant inane messages from ugly people. though i'm thinking of reactivating my aff profile. i'm not really sure why i suddenly want to break my celibacy. i think i kept it up just because i was entertained by how easy it was. i could just simply say "its not going to happen for a while," and almost immediately my libido dropped. i didn't even notice at first. i'm still pretty ok with it, i'm pretty sure i could never have sex again and be ok with that. but the weather is getting better and i'm writing and finding all this great music. i cut off ten inches of my hair, i'm doing pilates, my arms look sexy. i don't know, it just seems like a good time.

i don't apply to jobs enough. i got the idea a little while ago to really try apply for blog writing positions. i didn't have the confidence to do that before, but i really am writing so much more than i was this time last year. i think its reasonable for someone to pay me to do this. but i haven't followed up on it yet, i spend most of my time off detoxing from the time wasted when i actually am getting paid. anyway, last summer was good to me. this one will be better.
is it bad that i'm actually kind of happy to be unemployed for a little while? the problem with temp work, aside from the instability and lack of health insurance, is that there's no vacation days. i can't really plan for time off. so when i'm between jobs i have every intention of taking advantage of it. i can go shopping, schedule some doctor's appointments, get some more writing done, finally finish a book for once, and of course apply for jobs. there's a lot more interesting jobs than there were six months ago, but less than there were a month ago when i first got dumped from prudential. i had got two call backs a coupe weeks ago, which kind of blew my mind. neither worked out - one pulled an unexpected interview on me over the phone, i was eating lunch and totally not prepared; the other said they'd email the next day and they never did. *shrugs* there was a moment where i felt a little lost on my last day this friday, but its since passed. of course, employment is a priority, i'm in the market for a car and as soon as i find a good deal on the make i want, its going to happen. i'd like to have a salary to support that decision.

meanwhile, i saw sucker punch friday night with tyler. not his kind of movie at all, he found the whole thing cheesy. i enjoyed it, it was far from perfect, and i got kind of bored with the talking parts, but the stylization was really cool, and it was fun seeing zack snyder direct something original. you really got to see his style come through more distinctly. and plus, i'm happy to have supported an action movie with female leads on its opening night, even if i had to brave the idiocy of the 7pm tween crowd to do it.

i'm rather glad that last job is over. it wasn't terrible, but i definitely didn't like the situation, i'm pretty sure they didn't train me fully because they knew they were going to be hiring someone else and would have to train them all over again. there wasn't much to do - i spent most of my day on tumblr, searching through feminist blogs. i've learned more about how many "ism"s out there that make the world an uglier place in the past month than i ever thought i would. as such i've been writing quite a bit more in my own blog, and with a little cross promotion, the traffic has gone up significantly. my first post on criminal minds has gotten over a thousand hits (my second post on the subject actually resulted in a dip in traffic, oh well). all this awareness has made slightly more self-conscious of all my ideas, but at the same time i know it'll make me a better writer and be able to contribute more to the world. its better than being useless.


so there have been a couple shake ups since i last posted. i think literally the day after, i got the call from the temp agency that the 18th would be my last day. hey, at least we got some advance notice, which was both a good and bad thing. good so that plans could be made, not that i'm any good at that. and bad because i and the ten or so of us that would also be leaving had pretty much nothing to do for that last week. one guy actually stopped coming in (i was informed that, in fact, he'd been rehired to temp for another department, so clearly absenteeism didn't bother them much). they ended up letting us out before noon that last day, as soon as we had cleaned up our desks. so once i got home and ate lunch, procrastinated a little bit, i called up good old office team to let them know they could me back on the books until i could find something more permanent. turns out, they had a long-term gig they needed to fill, so i had new job before dinner that day.

a week later exactly, the computer had progressed to mind-numbing degree of slowness, so dad finally placed an order for a new one which he had been mulling over for a while now. within a few hours after that, the computer crashed for good. funny how these things work. thanks to my external, i only lost a few things that i had downloaded recently such as buffy season 8 and the pretty little liars books. and a little bit of writing i had done, but most of that was either written out or saved to my email. so now i'm on a brand spanking new computer and it is delicious. i'm becoming so much more productive, because i can actually do shit without the damn thing giving up on me. plus, windows 7 is pretty slick looking. its so much easier now to waste time, my butt is going to start going numb.

other than these changes though, its been a pretty dull week. i haven't gotten out much - my primary source of entertainment, tyler, flip-book boy, is still at prudential and also stressing out about an entrance exam he has to take for uconn. and the new job is a lot lonelier than the old one, front desk rather than integrated with a group, less people my age. so i've been craving some human interaction. so if there's anyone in the area who still reads this, hit me up, lets see a movie. maybe i'll sign up for latin dance classes at the community center.

been trying to read more, just finished some scott mccloud and now have started a book about the early culture war against comic books. i've gotten active again on okcupid, don't know how well i'm doing. there's a very interesting guy from massachusetts, don't know if that's at all realistic. there's a guy in a polyamorous relationship, which may be a good thing for me right now, like dating training wheels lol. and now the fling from last summer has started messaging me again, and i'm not sure why. i mean, it should be obvious why, but its been small talk for over a week now, you figure if he wants something he'd come out and say it. he did say that he had been experiencing some social anxiety, which started after we stopped "hanging out," mostly around women. i can't imagine why, maybe i actually managed to get through to him somewhat. of course, i never wanted to do him any damage (well, yes i did, but i never thought it possible). so maybe he's trying to retrace his steps, try to figure out what went wrong. don't know if i'll be able to help him with that.

oh, just another lonely night

sometimes i wonder if i should cancel my paid account on here, because with my lack of posting its not really worth it just to have so many icons. however, i'm scared of lj with ads. and the inability to edit comments. its not like i don't use lj, i'm on it everyday, but not so much as a writer. i'm becoming more and more like the common user nowadays who only joins for the communities. that's kind of scary.

so work has finally become more relaxed. i had two weeks of mandatory overtime, putting in 65 hours the first week, 50 the next. my paycheck was satisfying, though i am definitely looking forward to april when i get a lot of it back. now that the so-called "surge" is over, work is slow and we've been getting out early. they might even manage to undo all the overtime we did. word is that they'll keep us around until april, but you never know. and my coworkers are dropping like flies, finding other jobs or moving away. or just getting sick of it. i don't want to be the last one standing.

we are not a family that has much luck with cars. mom has had her new car for i think a couple months now, so she's happy. but dad's car broke down and as such he's been using mine. and now mine is finally breaking down for good. apparently the level of use i was putting it through - getting to and from work and the occasional trip to the gym or mall - was really all it could handle. on the way back from work today, the exhaust finally broke off from the front and starting dragging. a trip that usually takes us five minutes took us about 30 instead going about two miles an hour with the flashers on. so i'll be doing some car hunting, haven't decided whether i want a used college car, or a new car. i'm leaning towards the latter, not surprisingly, with everything our cars have put us through i would rather not have to worry so much about a car literally falling apart on me. my funds are in a good place now, my savings account has actually surpassed my tuition debt, but of course that's helped by not spending very much and still living at home. a new car would give me some credit, could start thinking about moving out. maybe even getting a credit card. look at me, growing up and all that jazz.

in the non-day-to-day goings, i downloaded the kanye west album, my beautiful dark twisted fantasy. not really what i was expecting. its good, but i figured it would be more, you know, dark and twisted. its got a surprising amount of bounce, and while not as synthy as 808s and heartbreaks, its still got that very old school beat to it, which is awesome. this album actually has an appeal similar to another album that i flipped out about recently, florence and the machines' lungs. they are both very loud and chorus heavy. its like the got everybody into the room had them sing as loud as possible, then layered some thick drum beats on top. the effect is really awesome. i love that kind of thing, i don't know if its everyone's cup of tea though. the different between the two albums though is of course that kanye west does rap, and as such the songs don't have the same kind of rise and fall as a typical melody does. that's something i never noticed about rap before. it also has a lot to do with how kanye west has getting increasingly more abstract. the average song is over 6 minutes long, and sometimes his voice just trails off halfway and he lets all his guest singers or the samples and beats take over.

all the hours spent at work has had me really starved of creativity. i've started entertaining the idea of getting up early before i have to start getting ready for work so i can write for a couple of hours, since my mind is a better place in the morning than it is in the evening after i come home. i've been thinking of reworking a story that i started over year ago. it was originally a horror story centered around the players involved, but i may go for a more crime procedural approach with a straightforward storyline, and then write it as abstractly as possible. i think i could get some good stuff done if i ever take the time to do it.
i've been really wandering away from livejournal lately. all my random thoughts end up as facebook statuses. i even started a tumblr. but i'm still holding off on twitter, i'm sorry, i already have too many feeds to keep track of and tweets are only for famous people who actually have someone listening. but i'll probably always have an lj account because there are so many great things to keep track of on here. i just need to remind myself to write.

i felt obligated this time because i always write after christmas. the highlight of the day was the doctor who christmas special on bbc america, which was wonderful, i enjoyed it so much. as for gifts, i got a nice velour track suit from uncle dan and ana which i happen to be wearing now (though i'm still looking at some on victoria's secret, i still have store credit that i need to use). another pair of coach shoes, this time in brown, very pretty. a new coat, though its probably a little too big on me and, like the track suit, is gray. my goth (ha) days really left a legacy, mom is still shocked when i wear pink. oh and i got a gps, which means i no longer have an excuse to get free rides from people lol. but. but i really just wanted the 4th and 5th seasons of criminal minds. i really did. i guess the logic was that that was something i would buy for myself with the money i was given. gone are the days of wishlists - everyone wants to surprise you. its ok. i'm enjoying the velour.

so something interesting happened to me this week. i came in thursday to work to find a pack of post-its on my desk that were not mine. you're probably wondering how i could tell this, well they were obviously used and in some kind of disarray. my first reaction was "wtf who the hell was at my desk." at which point i picked it up and realized it was a flip book. i've tried a couple times to film it with my phone, but turns out that home made flip books generally look terrible on camera phones (plus i can't flip it and hold the phone at the same time. not very well anyway). so trust me when i say it was very cute. the night before had been a tad emotional, so the gesture first thing in the morning was touching. but by the end of the day i was starting to feel a little irritated about the whole thing. it was one of those moments where you feel impatient and undeserving at the same time, a little hard to explain. but i went to the gym and sweated most of that angst out, and friday i didn't think much of it.

then yesterday, christmas, i got a message on facebook from my flipbook sender, explaining himself and apologizing for the slightly stalkerish behavior (imagine! someone apologizing to me about being a stalker). it was a kid who was training in the room adjacent to where i work. red hair, gauges, often wears vests and bow ties. in short, the only guy i've seen at work that looks like i could possibly have anything in common with. i looked at his profile and saw that he was friends with vidal, and i immediately ran upstairs to interrogate him on the matter. there was a moment where i considered not letting everyone in the house in on this odd little interaction that i was experiencing, but fuck it, i needed to know about this person. he apparently went to school with vidal's girlfriend, and they know a lot of the same people. crazy. so i messaged him back saying it's all god and generally to make conversation and that's where it is now. *shuffles feet* maybe i'll start following him on tumblr.

anyway, i watched the runaways just now because i do not have a book to read, we are snowed in and there isn't much else to do. it was a good movie, and it put me in the mood to listen to kittie. yeah. i'm listening to the latest album now. i like it, its very classic metal, they did not fall into the emo trap in the ten years since i bought their first album. but damn i wish i had a book to read. i requested let the right one in from the library, but its not in yet. would've been extremely appropriate considering the weather. speaking of which, i both hope for a snow day tomorrow, and don't. because as much as i do not want to go into prudential, especially when i have to climb trap falls rd to get there, i'm probably going to be just as bored as i was today. man, and i really wanted to do some post-christmas shopping. maybe i'll just continue with my buffy rewatch.


you're a mean one

prudential makies me feel like there's not enough hours in my days. especially when they've changed our schedule to from 9:45 to 6:15. i might try to work myself up to going to the gym in morning so i'll have more time in the evening, but that might just make me into a wet noodle for the day.

last night i was getting my 4minute fix and i thought to myself that i so want to be hyuna's stalker. i want to be that freak sobbing at her shows, screaming her name like a baby. maybe i'm just a little bit lonely. so i thought that last night would be a good night to rewatch the criminal minds episode "somebody's watching" which i had skipped in my run through of the first season. my memory told me that it wasn't that great, but it is reid-centric, and has amber heard, and a stalker lesbian storyline so it seemed appropriate. but i didn't get around to it because mom and dad were watching football so i ended up waching "north mammon" on ion, commercials and all. but then tonight i found out that amber heard, aside from being hot and frequently naked, is in fact a lesbian. yeah, i'm kind of psyched, ngl. so obviously "somebody's watching" got watched. better than i remembered, but still not wonderful. the crazy psycho lesbian is now in bones, in a role that she's much better at playing. amazing how much more attractive she looks when she's the leading male's love interest and she has to compete with emily deschanel. oh and the pool makeout scene was way hotter than i remembered. didn't think i could get it up for hetero stuff anymore, but when it comes down to it, get two atrociously good looking people wet and in each other's faces, there really isn't any way that's wrong.

spending a couple months in the steady office working environment has got me really thinking about how important it is to me to get to do something i enjoy for a living. because the fact of the matter is that i don't have much of a life. when i'm not working i'm on the computer, lounging about or whatever. i'm not in the habit of socializing or partying. and while i do hope to evolve some as time goes on, the basic structure will undoubtedly remain the same. so if i don't enjoy what i get paid to do i'm really not going to have much to show for my life. thankfully, with these thoughts comes more serious, confident thoughts about my writing. granted, i am always thinking seriously about my writing, but right now it all feels very attainable. maybe its the dawning of the new year, and the fact that this past year has been really good to me. i'm on the edge of something big i think.

this weekend was nice. we put up the christmas tree and the outside lights. i was in such a bad mood coming home from work last night but as soon as i saw our twinkling bulbs i felt happy. we went to south windsor to celebrate grandma's birthday. there are so many babies on dad's side of the family now, the youngest barely even two months old. they're all strange and smart and fascinating. vidal was watching as brynn, who is i think around a year in a half now, discovered how to carry her toys more efficiently. she picked up a bowl she found, felt it out to check out it size, tested what she could put in it, removed what she didn't want and kept what she did and walked off happy and triumphant. how nice it would be to have simple problems like that again, and solving them would be exciting rather than tedious.

and now just because this is what rihanna's video for te amo should've looked like